Inappropriate Movies for Young Children

Last Saturday was my sister Julie's 14th birthday. My brother David was INSISTING that he light the candle on her birthday cake. After he rudely blew out the candle on a birthday cake that didn't belong to him, he also decided to stomp off with the matches in hand, and inadvertently set them down on a living room couch. I later found them and, reminding him that there is a dog in the house that has consumed TWO cell phones, I picked them up and violently shook them in his face. Unaffected by my scolding, he and my other family members started talking about a movie we saw back in the day when we lived in Texas. In this movie, the main heroine consumes matches and burns to death. Dead. BURNS to death. Now, realistically speaking, I don't think someone can BURN to death in this manner. I'm pretty sure the person would be horrifically poisoned, but would probably not spontaneously combust. I'm thinking there was some artistic license taken with this plot line. But I digress. I'm fairly positive the burning in this movie was meant to be interpreted that the heroine's passion for her deceased lover burned so strongly that, in her consumption of these matches, she burst into flame. I saw this movie ages ago, and why did this explanation not occur to me before? Oh that's right, because I saw this movie before I moved to Illinois from Texas, probably somewhere in the second grade. This got me thinking, was this movie appropriate for a young child like me? What other movies was I subjected to? I thought hard, and these two movies came to mind.

The first is the movie I was just talking about, a foreign film with English subtitles called, "Like Water for Chocolate."

 

This movie is...just...awful for small children. It actually SAYS there, on the cover, "the passionate tale of forbidden love." FORBIDDEN, people! Anyhoo, here's the plot: the main heroine, a girl named Tita, falls in love with this dude named Pedro. The feeling is mutual, and Pedro goes to Tita's mom, Mama Elena, to ask for her hand in marriage. She refuses, saying that even though Pedro and Tita love each other, since Tita is her youngest daughter, she can never marry and must take care of Mama Elena until the day she dies. Ok, depressing much? Anyhoo, Mama Elena says that although Tita isn't available, her older, graceless, GASSY sister Rosaura is. Pedro decides to marry Rosaura to "stay close to Tita." Ummm ok first of all What. The. JUNK. I remember being pissed off about this even when I was little. This spineless a-hole marries her SISTER in order to STAY CLOSE to the woman he actually loves?? Excuse me??? Ok I remember watching Cinderella when I was little, and nowhere in the Disney animation did they have the prince giving up on his quest to find the woman who fit the glass slipper. He knew she was one of a kind, and no other woman could literally fill her shoes, and he wasn't all, "oh well I guess it's gonna be pretty hard to find this chick, eh whatev I'll just randomly marry whoever else cause it's easier." NO he did NOT!! Little Mingo was so angry about this, she instantly hated the movie. Why didn't Pedro just sneak away with Tita in the middle of the night?? Steal her away?? Douche. So, to continue, Pedro marries Rosaura, and Tita's mom forces her to do all kinds of evil bidding. She's forced to make Pedro and Rosaura's freakin WEDDING DINNER, and live under the same roof with them while they start a freakin family. Disgusting. The whole time, Tita and Pedro have stolen moments together (little Mingo also disapproved of adultery, by the way) until Mama Elena suspects and sends the little family to Texas. On the way, Rosaura's baby dies, and Tita blames Mama Elena. They get into a fight and Mama Elena slaps Tita and has her institutionalized. The doctor watching over Tita falls in love with her and nurses her back to sanity, and Tita plans to marry him, despite still being in love with Pedro. Pedro and Co. come back, and Pedro takes Tita's virginity. Ashamed that she isn't untouched any longer, she breaks off her engagement to the doctor. SO, Pedro has effectively not only made sure he will break Tita's heart by marrying her sister, he ALSO makes sure that she can never marry anyone else, either. Selfish bastard. Anyhoo, lots of other things happen. Tita's other sister, Gertrude, gets kidnapped by rebels of the Mexican Revolution, and she marries one and heads a rebel movement. Mama Elena gets attacked by rebels and dies, and then haunts Pedro and Tita because of their inappropriate relationship. She attacks Pedro and he's severely burned. Eventually Rosaura dies, TWENTY FREAKIN YEARS LATER, and Pedro and Tita finally are allowed to be together. Then, just when they're about to be intimate, guilt-free, Pedro has a heart attack and freakin DIES. Tita commits suicide by eating matches, and sets everything ablaze when she bursts into flames. The End. Happy story for an eight year old, eh?

The second movie I LOVED when I was a kid. It was called "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas." It was a musical starring Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds, and it was awesome. 

 

Dolly Parton is Mona,this madam of a well known brothel in, you guessed it, Texas. She has a romantic relationship with Sheriff Ed Earl Dodd, Burt Reynolds, and everything is idyllic until Dom Deluise, who plays Melvin P. Thorpe, TV Watchdog extraordinaire, shows up and ruins everything. He is after the Chickenhouse, and shocks the small town with his undercover investigations (all in song, of course). Imagine if you will, Little Mingo singing along to family friendly tunes like "Sneakin' Around," "Little Bitty Pissant Country Place," and "Texas Has A Whorehouse In It." It was magical I tell ya. Anyhoo, because the Watchdog wants to have the Chicken Ranch closed down, the sheriff asks Mona to close the ranch on the biggest night of the year for them, the night of the big annual football game. The winner of the game gets the Ranch's hospitality, and it's an age-old tradition handed down generation to generation. The Sheriff is sure that Melvin P. Thorpe will target this monumental event. Mona goes against the Sheriff's wishes and has the party for the football team anyway, and Melvin P. Thorpe and his camera crews burst in on the celebrations, literally exposing the illegal prostitution going on. Local citizens are outraged, and the Sheriff is unable to save Mona's ranch. They shut her down, and all the girls sing a lovely song entitled "Hard Candy Christmas" in which they outline their plans for the future, away from prostitution. Then Mona sings "I Will Always Love You" to the Sheriff, and he literally sweeps her off her feet and marries her, making an honest woman out of her. Sigh. Happy ending. I always LOVED that movie. There was one scene in which the prostitutes all walk down the stairs together, singing and doing a sexy dance, and I ALWAYS sang that song! (I can't quite remember if I did the accompanying dance as well.) Hee.

The point of this post was not to comment on whether or not I liked the movies, but to say that I probably shouldn't have seen the movies at all! I mean, eight year old Mingo didn't need to see Pedro and Tita's forbidden passionate trysts or the Chicken Ranch girls' boobies flying everywhere! But see them I did. And I'm a better person for it. Probably.