Sooo. It had not been my intent to use this as a sounding off board. But recent anger has prompted me back to blogging, and this one will not be enjoyable. Sorry in advance to my two followers. I don't have a diary, so this will have to do. So...I guess it's an anger that stems from my own feelings of inadequacy. I can't even explain sometimes why this anger just bubbles up. It seems sometimes like maybe I'm just overreacting to a simple statement that wasn't meant to insult or upset me in any way. So maybe I just have anger issues, and that's it. But I feel like it might be deeper than that, if only that it means I have other issues as well. What it comes down to is that a lot of the time, I feel like I'm overlooked and taken advantage of. In many situations.
Ok, this is how it started: tonight I helped my mom with her "homework." She's a teacher, and is required to take a class to keep her certification. She and I were reading through chapters at 1:30 in the morning, and I was writing down summaries and explanations of problem-solving ideas from the information. Somewhere in the middle of working, she started talking to me ONCE AGAIN about her worries about my sister. She's going to begin her first year of college in the fall, and my mother is prone to over worrying about pretty much everything, so this has been a major topic of conversation for a while now. She started talking about how much she's going to miss my sister when she leaves, and how things won't be the same. This whole subject of "leaving" has been a sensitive topic for me ever since I moved out myself. It really hurt me the day that I moved out that not a single person seemed to be sad that I was leaving. They didn't even say goodbye. So tonight when my own mother said, "It was different when you left. I knew you were close by and I would see you. It's different with your sister, she'll be further away and I'll really MISS her," it just...hurt. Like my leaving wasn't as momentous, just because I didn't live on campus? I know it was small, but it felt like the family portrait day all over again. One day the mail came in (when I was still living with my family) and there were photos of our family, a family portrait. I knew nothing of these pictures. They had gone to take a family picture WITHOUT me. And then actually displayed them. They only took them down because I became so upset that they were forced to. I couldn't believe that they had gone to take a family picture and not even mention it to me. I guess I just always feel like an outsider. They're all "the Vera family," and I'm the "Lucio" from the previous marriage. And the "Lucio's" didn't want me either. So I'm on my own?
I feel like I try harder than everyone else does. I love my sister, but she's a mean spirited, spoiled and selfish person sometimes. Not to say that I don't have my own numerous flaws. But I feel like my parents cater to her every want and need like they never did mine when I was her age. And they continue to act that way now also. She had her birthday just yesterday, and we got into a fight at the end of it. Inspired by the news that Osama bin Laden was DEAD, I was using her laptop to look up 9-11 footage. She wanted to go online to do some college stuff, and instead of using the other computer that WASN'T BEING USED, she decided it would be better to kick me off the laptop that I was actively using instead. In the process, we got to arguing (I didn't understand why she was being selfish about the computers) and she eventually told me that I was a selfish, rude bitch. I just looked at the bracelet on her wrist I had given her THAT DAY for her birthday before commenting about it. Then, minutes later when she thought she had missed the deadlines for enrolling in college, she had a major meltdown. Whose selfish, rude bitchy shoulder did she cry on then? Mine. And despite the fact that she had been such a heinous bitch minutes before, I stayed to talk her through her crisis, comforted her, cheered her up. I'm an enabler. And I don't know how to stop, because I just love my family so freakin much. It's not working for me anymore though. I think I just need to remove myself from a toxic situation and focus on MY needs, what I want instead. Not what I should do for everyone else.
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